quest...ing.

i knew this would happen.

as soon i say i'm going to start "planning" to write about something, i kinda spaz out inside and say to myself "self, you will never begin to scratch the surface of said plan, so just...go erase that 'getting there' post and give yourself a break, put up some more wedding pictures or something..."

then the little overachiever self says, "now self, you really do want to write this post. you really do want to expound brilliantly on some profound discovery of spirituality, rhetoric, creativity, whatever it may be. push yourself, get there, accomplish, accomplish, accomplish."

so, here i sit, potentially schizophrenic, most likely just an extremist wallowing through the mire of "finding balance" and hearing this little voice from somewhere saying - just love Jesus and quit worrying about all this nothingness.

great idea.

oh, and it's not really a little voice -there's a great example of not having a very good grasp on reverence.

regardless of whatever everything i just wrote meant here's a few thoughts on what i don't think reverence for God looks like...

- i don't think it means cleaning up your actions for the sake of cleaning up your actions, having a sterlized vocabulary, swearing off the bubbly, or any other list controlled type living
- i'm also pretty sure it doesn't mean scoffing at anyone who chooses to do any of the above.

and therein lies the prob....i mean paradox. it's really not a problem, it's fantastic and full of freedom (alliterate much?). and come to think of it, it's not much of a paradox either - really it's a rather simple rhythm of life God set up that we decided we would complicate.

a prime example: gossip.

(i am not about to stand on a soapbox, promise.)

let's just think about what we say about people. let's not become obsessed with phrasing things in such a way that we then don't feel guilty for what we just said when in reality we said "that person really kind of makes me insane and/or represents all that is liscentious/legalistic/lame to me." don't know what i mean? little things like - "i really shouldn't say this, but" or asking inappropriate questions then following them up by - "that was probably kinda rude" or "this really isn't any of my business, but..."

c'mon now.

am i saying we shouldn't have honest, real, potentially less than pristine conversation?

...do you know me?

clearly, i'm not.

what i am saying is this - "let no unwholesome speech come from your mouth"

let's just think about what that means. let's stop thinking that cussing is any worse/less holy than slandering a brother or sister or discussing matters that aren't ours to discuss.

"to everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven" (i know that's a verse. its also a great song from the big chill soundtrack i grew up on)

in my world, there is next to nothing that "should never" be discussed. just last night i told my high school senior girls that i wanted to represent a safe place for them to talk about things/struggles/desires they may feel insane for having. how else will we cultivate community, joy, gladness, comfort, compassion, reality?

...but, there is a time and a purpose.

this is why we need our inner few friends. this is why we need our big circles. this is why we need older people to tell us about life, and younger people to help along the way. this is why we need all these relational dynamics we engage in - because there is a time and purpose for everything under heaven. let's have the reverence for the Lord who created those times and purposes by living in such a way that we honor those creations.

lastly, i am in absolutely no way saying that you shouldn't ever break the mold in how conversation in certain circles of your life usually goes. i'm just saying there's a difference between honesty and speech for the sake of attention and/or filling the silence.

i am guilty of all of the above and more so really, there's no reason to think i'm preaching here. i'm hoping for renewal in this area of my life as well as in other's lives because i think it will change the way we interact and are perceived.

i would love thoughts/disagreements/additions on anything i've said here. really, really.

getting there.

currently praying about a post regarding what reverence for the Lord looks like in day to day life. may take a little while for me to pray up the humility, softness, and bold spirit to write it well, so that's where i'll be if i don't write for a while.

rain, rain, please stay.

...and come again another day.

i enjoy this. i love that we have to be at home (or, in this case, parent's home) and play games, fortunately for us still holding onto the power people - watch movies, and just not have the option or obligation to get in the car and drive somewhere. times like this remind me of how important it is that my soul finds rest in God alone, because, at least for us, a "restful" (seems odd to say during a hurricane...) time like this is so rare. i am grateful that Jesus can bring peace to my soul during a hurricane, during the quietness of a safe house amidst the hurricane, and during the hustle and bustle of normal, sun, school, and social filled life.

i hope you all are safe, dry, and not too wind blown. enjoy the "quiet."

the eyes of my heart enlightened.

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction,
out of the miry clay;
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear, And will trust in the LORD.
How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Psalm 40:1-4

How sweet is the "new song" in my mouth recently.

For me, college has been a time of great wonder, joy, and excitement. It has also been a time of great searching, confusion, and, at times, the lowest points of my life thus far. I have struggled with Who God is, struggled with struggling with Who God is, and struggled with trying to read, pray, and talk through struggling with Who God is. I can't say I have always been patient in the struggle, as the verses above can claim, but I can say I have had a Jesus Who has refused to let me go and, for some reason, has chosen this past week to...as words pitifully attempt to describe...burst through several clouds in my mind this past week.

There really is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Really.
My attempts to "be like Jesus" are exceptionally futile if I am not relying fully on the power of Christ.
The Bible is a story about God - and when I am enabled to view it that way....freedom.
(I have said all of these things before and I can't really explain how true and real they are now resonating inside me. I think something has transferred from my head to my heart....)

"I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation,
but I bought the lie I still have work to do.
Now I'm working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation,
but there is no condemnation in You.

...child, you're forgiven and loved."
- Jimmy Needham

OH! I am forgiven and loved. How many times have these words emerged from my mouth? How many times have a prayed with a minuscule dab of faith that maybe they could be true for me? Now I know.

Yesterday, I had lunch with a dear friend, who has experienced many of the same sweet characteristics of the Lord as well. We were able to truly rejoice in His goodness and find awe in the fact that the most, if anything, we ever really did was beg Him to draw near and rebuild whatever needed rebuilding. He cannot help but be faithful.

I pray you read this post for what it is. For joy and grace and the ever constant work of the Lord Jesus Christ in the hearts of His people, and even in those yet to be His. I pray you read this and see the greatness of Christ and are encouraged in your faith that He is always there, He really is always there. He is nothing like us, but we are a little like Him - and we can grow in that likeness every day by His mercy alone. Really, alone, you can not do it. Draw near to the presence of the Lord - He will draw near to you in His own sweet timing and purpose. I can promise you - I have tasted and seen and now I crave with all that I am..

a helpful hint as school begins.

my dear friend lindsay let me know about a website that you can rent your textbooks from at a very reduced price and simply return them at the end of the semester. and! whenever you rent a book, they plant a tree in a foreign country - mine is in guatemala :). so, there's a neat way to save some money and be green i suppose. enjoy your sunday.