quest...ing.

i knew this would happen.

as soon i say i'm going to start "planning" to write about something, i kinda spaz out inside and say to myself "self, you will never begin to scratch the surface of said plan, so just...go erase that 'getting there' post and give yourself a break, put up some more wedding pictures or something..."

then the little overachiever self says, "now self, you really do want to write this post. you really do want to expound brilliantly on some profound discovery of spirituality, rhetoric, creativity, whatever it may be. push yourself, get there, accomplish, accomplish, accomplish."

so, here i sit, potentially schizophrenic, most likely just an extremist wallowing through the mire of "finding balance" and hearing this little voice from somewhere saying - just love Jesus and quit worrying about all this nothingness.

great idea.

oh, and it's not really a little voice -there's a great example of not having a very good grasp on reverence.

regardless of whatever everything i just wrote meant here's a few thoughts on what i don't think reverence for God looks like...

- i don't think it means cleaning up your actions for the sake of cleaning up your actions, having a sterlized vocabulary, swearing off the bubbly, or any other list controlled type living
- i'm also pretty sure it doesn't mean scoffing at anyone who chooses to do any of the above.

and therein lies the prob....i mean paradox. it's really not a problem, it's fantastic and full of freedom (alliterate much?). and come to think of it, it's not much of a paradox either - really it's a rather simple rhythm of life God set up that we decided we would complicate.

a prime example: gossip.

(i am not about to stand on a soapbox, promise.)

let's just think about what we say about people. let's not become obsessed with phrasing things in such a way that we then don't feel guilty for what we just said when in reality we said "that person really kind of makes me insane and/or represents all that is liscentious/legalistic/lame to me." don't know what i mean? little things like - "i really shouldn't say this, but" or asking inappropriate questions then following them up by - "that was probably kinda rude" or "this really isn't any of my business, but..."

c'mon now.

am i saying we shouldn't have honest, real, potentially less than pristine conversation?

...do you know me?

clearly, i'm not.

what i am saying is this - "let no unwholesome speech come from your mouth"

let's just think about what that means. let's stop thinking that cussing is any worse/less holy than slandering a brother or sister or discussing matters that aren't ours to discuss.

"to everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven" (i know that's a verse. its also a great song from the big chill soundtrack i grew up on)

in my world, there is next to nothing that "should never" be discussed. just last night i told my high school senior girls that i wanted to represent a safe place for them to talk about things/struggles/desires they may feel insane for having. how else will we cultivate community, joy, gladness, comfort, compassion, reality?

...but, there is a time and a purpose.

this is why we need our inner few friends. this is why we need our big circles. this is why we need older people to tell us about life, and younger people to help along the way. this is why we need all these relational dynamics we engage in - because there is a time and purpose for everything under heaven. let's have the reverence for the Lord who created those times and purposes by living in such a way that we honor those creations.

lastly, i am in absolutely no way saying that you shouldn't ever break the mold in how conversation in certain circles of your life usually goes. i'm just saying there's a difference between honesty and speech for the sake of attention and/or filling the silence.

i am guilty of all of the above and more so really, there's no reason to think i'm preaching here. i'm hoping for renewal in this area of my life as well as in other's lives because i think it will change the way we interact and are perceived.

i would love thoughts/disagreements/additions on anything i've said here. really, really.