to taste and to see.

i haven't really felt like posting while jared has been out of town. i have no idea what that means - i thought i would post a lot because of my extra alone time, which generally equals thought time, but this week (as so many others) hasn't gone exactly according to plan.

yesterday, for example, i went to my step class (i know, i know) not feeling well but we had a paper to turn in, so i went. we started doing step to some really dreadful techno beats and, well, in the end our music started skipping, the teacher couldn't find a new cd, and we did yoga instead! little weird things like that.

because of not feeling well, i missed my second class and a meeting, which is okay but being homebound without the hub was a little boring. its strange how quickly i've latched on to the idea of him being around so much - i love it, and i don't think its wrong at all, but it makes me think about us as people.

which makes me think about something i read in Tozer's The Pursuit of God this week. we are studying that book with our high school senior girls at church (some of my newest very favorite people), and this week we read chapter four called Apprehending God. In it, is a quote that says "[millions of Christians] go through life trying to love an ideal and be loyal to a mere principle." its so true. how often do i put God into a little picture frame in my mind (in which i constantly am changing the picture)? or how often do i compose a new law for myself?

so, how does this relate to my near instant jared-at-home-addiction? i long to know him! i am not content to merely have an idea in my head of who jared should be (who i could make him to be, who i imagine him to be, etc) , nor am i content to subscribe my life away to "a mere principle" - my idea of who i should be as a wife (my fantasies of being the perfect racheal ray/martha stewart/betty crocker combo - oh come on you have them too). no! in the depths of my soul, i want to know jared. i want to be as content in the unexpected as the expected. i want to find out what's really inside him, how he really thinks, feels. i want to support him 100% regardless of how i would have scripted every moment to turn out.

yet, i am frequently more than happy to do this with God??? yeah, i am.

(disclaimer: i am the antithesis of blogging to expose my extreme spirituality, awesomeness as a wife, etc. at least i hope i am. i am writing because it frees my soul in a way few things do and i think it brings God glory when He sees his kids experimenting, experiencing, and excited.)

my hope today is that i will see God as He is to the greatest extent that i can. my hope today is that i will recognize that i am, in the depths of my soul, no more content to hold onto an ideal of God than i would be an ideal of jared - yet i try to convince myself otherwise so often. my hope today is that i will rest in knowing that He will reveal Himself to those who love Him, and while resting to actively pursue a deeper communion with Him than i knew possible. my hope today is that i will not be content with an "ideal" or "mere principle" - but only with the Jesus who has brought me abundant life.

may the Kingdom of God be our "carefully chosen goal and the object of our holiest longing"
-Tozer.